Theory of Attraction.

So I hear that there are several theories out there that explain how humans are attracted to each other. Scientific reasons, pheromones, the whole 'opposites attract' idea...

Well maybe it's all bullshit.

Every time I think I've figured out the mechanisms of guys, they do something that completely proves me wrong. Every time I think I know why they're doing something, it turns out that I over-thought my theory.

Guys are simple. They like things simple.

Girls are simple. They like their men.

Yes, I could sit here on my couch and overanalyze everything he said and how he said it - and then try to come to a conclusion about whether or not he meant it, then figure out what I can do to change things, then try to make a plan of how to change him.

But I'm tired. I have other things to do. I have to listen to good music. I have to chat with my friends. I have to go be happy.

Stop formulating theories. Everyone's different, everyone wants something different.

But I still think that there are basic rules of nature:

1. If a guy can't live without you, he won't live without you.

2. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

3. It really is that simple, so don't screw the rules up.

Love Song for No One.

So today I spent the day with one of my best friends, who was freaking out about her love life.

And let me tell you, she was in hysterics. She had every right to be.

It was the kind that makes you laugh insanely to hide your tears, the kind that apparently makes you want to walk miles just to clear your head... the kind that drives you to your best friend's house on a Sunday afternoon.

I thought she handled it quite well. After a couple of hours of talking about how, why and where, we came to surround ourselves with her art. Her paintings, her paper cut-outs, the Sunday comics, food. We even ended up spilling glue on my bed sheets and washed it off in my bathroom sink. Then I took pictures of it all - it was so great I had to document it.

As I sat there, I realized something. The power that men have over our emotions, our feelings, is incredible. So incredible that it can drive a girl to madness. Yes, I know, hard to admit, but we all know that that obsessing over what they said, how they said it and how many times they said it isn't going to change anything. So you know what? Let's enjoy life while we can. Let's not wait for our knight in shining armor or look for Mr. Perfect. Instead, why don't we look around and see the perfectness in the mess of life and bask in the love of our friends. He'll come one day - I know. But right now, the love song I'm listening to is just for me.

Men Aren't Projects.

Yes, I get the good-dog bad-dog analogy.

But we've got to stop thinking they can be owned or trained!

The biggest disaster? Dating a guy because he's a project.
I did that once. He had 'project' written all over him. Tall, blonde, sexy project. He was gorgeous, heartbroken, and was writing a book. I had Kleenex and could proofread with the anal precision of a brain surgeon.
Surely, it was kismet.

But no, Hercules didn't make me happy. And though he changed, though he felt and said and did all the right things, it had 'me' written all over it. What I liked, I'd made. Other times, he was stubborn and boring.

What I'm trying to say is, stop dating men to fix them. We're not trying to convert them to Church of Perfect Boyfriend. He doesn't need to be saved. Don't expect him to turn a leaf for you. Stop dating guys who need that 'extra push'. I'm not saying give up your standards. I'm saying, wondering, 'Will he change for me?' is stupid.

Date a non-idiot, love him for who he is, put down the toolbox, and let him see you without make up.



To Pem:
You're being Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
You're right, it's not about love. It's about power. And that's bad territory.
You miss the hold you had on this guy, and you're trying to exercise it, to make sure you've still got it.
But, why would you even want it? No one's getting anything from this.

Honor what you had, save yourself the time, effort, and self-loathing, and let him go. Every time you feel the urge to lash out at him, email me and bitch about it.

Remember when Fon got drunk and stupid?
What did you say to her to get her to sleep?
"Stop what you're doing. You're making a fool of yourself. You look like an idiot."

Sometimes, we need the people who love us most to tell us that.
I love you baby, and this isn't good.

Image.

Hello, I'm Clingy.

HELP.

You know what I hate to be? Clingy, possessive, and jealous. How do you not do it?
I really don't get it.
When will I ever let him be? I hurt him, used him, and left him. I am sure I'm not in love with him anymore, but now that he's finally, slowly moving on, I bloody hate him!

Will the attachment ever disappear?

How much longer will it linger? I don't want to keep you from moving on. I enjoy your misery, but I don't want to.

Natascha, men are like dogs! I want to be the master and I want him to obey, but he's not mine! He's not on my leash anymore! I am no longer the master whom he is devoted to . . .

What should I do, girls? How can I make myself let him move on? I don't want to be a monster. He doesn't deserve to endure more than he already has.

Going All the Way?

Not a good idea?

No, I am not talking about first base, second base, or third base.

You know that feeling when you fall completely head over heels for someone? Those uncontrollable, spastic jerks in your muscles that get you smiling all the time, or give you butterflies? When you throw yourself at somebody. Completely.

Is it a desperate attempt to speed things up? Is it stupid? Should we play hard to get?

Older people say, 'been there done that'. They rant on about teens and their "puppy love".
Your friends say, 'slow down it's not like you're going to get married'.

But, for you, there is no sense of direction.

Is it bad to put yourself completely in the open like that, and fall in love?

Meeting each other halfway is a balanced approach. You give and recieve at the same time.
But, is it the new way of playing hard-to-get?

You love someone. You love them so much, but you aren't getting the feeling they feel as much for you . . . What to do? Back off? Pretend to be detached?

That's always the case.

I was in a long distance relationship once. In the beginning, it was incredible. I became so comfortable, I started to have expectations. But then he moved.

Long distance is all about trying. Trying really really hard to make things work out: making sure you're both staying in contact, both still love each other. Expectations I had from when he lived here - the comfort zone I set myself to - drove me absolutely fucking nuts. I was disappointed half the time, I started to try to act as if things didn't really matter, sitting back, just to have him come all the way. He had to convince me things were working and that we loved each other. He was giving way more than I was, and the terrible thing was that I was enjoying it! I'd made things hard on him on purpose. I'd put tension on what we had . . . just so he felt obliged to try his best to please me all the time.

So, tell me, do we meet each other halfway, or do we love without restraint? Is there a healthy middle ground? Throwing yourself completely out there can get you hurt, but then again, holding back could completely go against the purpose of your relationship.

Before, we lived on opposite ends. Of the world, of the relationship. Hell, he came more than halfway both physically and mentally.
That's a good man right there.

Fresh start.
I'm done with playing love games.
I'm ready for commitment.

Those Three Words.

I think we all know what words I'm talking about.

Recently, I had my heart broken. The agonizing kind. The kind that makes you wanna scream profane words and cry in the shower. I kept reminding myself that it was a part of life, and that I would be stronger in the end. I eventually got there...but only after a continuous debriefing by my friends, epiphanies in my favorite Italian restaurant, and post-its on my wall reminding me what an asshole he was.

My heart broke because of the absence of those words I wanted to hear so badly. But they never came. And when I finally found the courage to say them, all I heard was, "I know." After hearing that, and a series of other explanations that circled around his emotional constipation, I lost hope.

I really don't understand why it's so hard to love. I would give up a whole lot to experience that feeling again, rooted deep in my heart. What confuses me is, why are people so scared and so resistant to give in?

Why did he find it so easy to walk away from me?

I used to ask myself this question every day. I started to resist. I started to act like the 'cool girl.' I avoided him like I would a land mine, treading around the memories I once lived over and over again in my mind.

After several mornings of my eyes progressively looking like Kermit the Frog's , I realized I needed to start fresh. I found happiness in other things. Like theatre. Literature. Music. Friends.

Oh, and do I have the most beautiful and strongest friends.

I moved on. I grew. (with the help of some amazing advice, tear-jerker movies and heavenly chocolate.)

I'm finding forgiveness. I'm finding strength. It's possible.

Don't regret anything. Instead, know that it was his loss, and now you get to find someone to give your goods to, someone who actually deserves it.

Image.

_ / _ _ _ _ / _ _ _.

I will not say it out loud.
And if you ask me about this, I will deny it.
But yes.
Yes.
I might change my mind.
But, just for now, this second, yes.
Yes.
Yes, to stupidity and being fucked up.
Completely yes.
Yes to being "buttercup", "sweet bum", "sugar plum" and "angel cakes".
Yes to the dorkiness. And the sex through mass communication.
Yes, though you are not enough.
Not even close to what I want or deserve.

Yes, because despite that,
You make my mornings.
Every morning.



Yes. I love waking up to you.

The Big O.

Are you faking it? Either to protect your partner's ego, or you're embarrassed, or ashamed to face the fact that you have never reached an orgasm. Are we afraid our partners will reject us if we don't 'come'? A lot of us choose to fake it.

It's a fact that 70% of women fake orgasms at some point in their sexual lives. Some fake it very regularly -- as in every time -- while others only do it occasionally.

Sex is an important factor to a relationship. Saying this does not make me a nympho. Come on, admit it, bad sex is frustrating and disappointing. Relationships are based on the love between two individuals, so, what's the real difference between giving love and making love?
Faking only makes it worse . . . I understand we might not want to disappoint our guys, but the truth is, lying is an injustice to your man:

1. The guy might actually believe he's satisfying you, when actually, what he needs is a little more time (and guidance) in discovering your G-spot. Whether or not you're in a long term relationship, in the future, when someone else is honest with him, he'll get hurt.
2. In addition, you are also robbing your partner of a valuable learning experience, and a chance to make improvements.

Communication is so important when it comes to sex.
So, ladies, if you're faking it, please stop!
Our love lives aren't fake or pretentious, why should our love-making be?
Image.

The Cool Girl.

You give him your number.


He doesn't call until the second day.
You could ask what was up with that, but you don't.
Because you're the Cool Girl.
The Cool Girl doesn't mind.
She's not serious.
She's happy to hear from him, but has a life outside of him.
She's whatever.

So you go out. Once. Twice.
Three days disappearance.
You think he's been kidnapped by a cult.
And then, he contacts you.
He's flirty, doesn't have a clue, so you forgive him.
And of course, you don't bring it up.
Cool Girl, here.

The next thing you know, you're a month in.
Or a year.
Or a relationship.
Or, you're just in love.
And he's still pulling crap.

Now, ask yourself, how long are you going to play Cool Girl?
It's not a crime to care. To like the guy.
Not a crime to want to be called.
To want a relationship.
And to be frustrated when it doesn't happen.
The only crime is making excuses for his behavior.

That's not Cool.

The Security Blanket Relationship.

So, let's call him John.
And, let's call her Jane.

And why don't you guys just sit down.
Yes, right there. That's fine. Make yourselves comfortable, don't mind the light.
Ladies and gentlemen: Exhibit A.

Jane's favorite activities:
"Skyping with John, being with John, loving John, hugging John, talking to John, imitating John."

Jane's interests:
"John."

Jane's favorite music:
"John's voice."

Movies?
"Every movie I've ever watched with John."

There exists a relationship, where two people are completely devoted to each other. They love each other, are crazy about each other in every sense of the word, respect each other, and want to spend every waking moment with each other. And branching from that, there exists a relationship where you need the other person.

And I am completely disgusted and terrified by it.

The kind of love that totally consumes you, that tips the scales of everything, that outweighs life, that turns every second into your Incredible Love Story is real love, right? Love-love?

No.


The best kind of love? Wanting some one without needing them. Passion without clinginess. To not be used to fill some kind of emotional void. Or stroke an ego.

I think the act of being with some one, simply because of who they are, and not because of what they do for you, or what they make you feel, is the most romantic thing. That's love.

I'm against ownership, and don't believe in 'other halves'.
My existence will not gravitate around you. I refuse to hand over my identity. To change the 'I's of my sentences into 'we's. I want to love you and remain my own person. Without needing you to validate me. So that you know, that I am with you because you are stellar.

That's my kinda love.

Image from http://thatsmyword.tumblr.com.

Men Are Like Dogs.

Yes, dogs.

Think about it. The good men are like good dogs. They're loyal, compassionate, cuddly...and will always be there at your side.

Bad men are like bad dogs. They'll bark and bark until the end of time, and if you ignore them they might just come and bite you. Hard.

Oh, and don't forget about the training. If it was up to you (not to mention socially acceptable...) we all know you'd put your man on a leash. Or at least a figurative one. After all, we don't want them chasing after any mailman. (or mail-woman.)

So when people say that dogs are man's best friend, maybe they're just saying that the two have so much in common that it just makes sense for them to be best friends. So go ahead and say it: Fetch, boy!

No More Play.

Why is it, that so many relationships seem to be a balance of power?

If he's overdoing it, you're the lazy one.

If you're affectionate, he's suddenly busy.

If she's in love, he's bored.

Truth is, people are still playing The Chase long after the chase is over.

But no! I don't want to practice apathy to manipulate.

Since when was indifference a call for attention?

So, Idiot, if I tell you I miss you, it's not a call to send me a two-line email.

See the people you actually like.

All fair's in love and war.

But only if you fight like a man, court like a man.